courtesy of Paramount Pictures Where do I start?
We’ll start with the good…
…
…
…okay, on to the bad.
I've only done one other movie review on my blog so far, and that’s because I felt the movie was fantastic, but after watching the new TMNT movie today, I felt compelled to write another. (For a completely different reason)
First of all, let me just say that I loved the first movie, Secret of the Ooze was okay, and TMNT III was…well, yeah, moving on. The original TMNT was fantastic, bad lip-syncing and all.
This new movie (2014) wasn’t as much a reboot as it was a complete remake, that failed in every way to present a plausible (as much as turtles that are ninjas that are teenagers can be plausible) movie. Honestly, did a sixth grader write this movie? How does this stuff even make it into theaters?
But I digress…
Horrible Acting, atrocious CGI, and a plot pulled straight from the “this has been done 1000 times before, let’s try it again and see if no one notices” box. All things that add up to a really terrible movie.
So, I’ll skip over the acting, because everyone knows what bad acting is. (Like David Caruso taking off his sunglasses, every five minutes acting.)
We’ll start with the good…
…
…
…okay, on to the bad.
I've only done one other movie review on my blog so far, and that’s because I felt the movie was fantastic, but after watching the new TMNT movie today, I felt compelled to write another. (For a completely different reason)
First of all, let me just say that I loved the first movie, Secret of the Ooze was okay, and TMNT III was…well, yeah, moving on. The original TMNT was fantastic, bad lip-syncing and all.
This new movie (2014) wasn’t as much a reboot as it was a complete remake, that failed in every way to present a plausible (as much as turtles that are ninjas that are teenagers can be plausible) movie. Honestly, did a sixth grader write this movie? How does this stuff even make it into theaters?
But I digress…
Horrible Acting, atrocious CGI, and a plot pulled straight from the “this has been done 1000 times before, let’s try it again and see if no one notices” box. All things that add up to a really terrible movie.
So, I’ll skip over the acting, because everyone knows what bad acting is. (Like David Caruso taking off his sunglasses, every five minutes acting.)
courtesy of Paramount Pictures I’ll quickly rant about the CGI. This is one thing that really gets me; I mean come on, we’ve had CGI in movies dating back 20-30 years. (Can you believe Jurassic Park is 21 years old!?) I bet when you watched T-Rex tear down that fence and snap that dumb lawyer off the john your first thought wasn’t: man this is a really great CGI dinosaur. Why? Because, the animation was so good, you didn’t make the CGI connection. AND THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO!
The CGI in this movie was, in a word, terrible. There wasn’t a time during this movie when I wasn’t telling myself, “Man, that’s a really horrible-looking turtle.” And when Splinter appeared, I laughed. A lot. That was the first time I contemplated just turning off the movie and calling it square. Well, the second time, the first time was the exposition during the beginning credits.
The people that write these things are professionals right? Doesn’t everyone know that exposition at the beginning of any movie is a no-no? Maybe it’s just me.
Okay, on to the plot. (And why I really hated this movie)
I’ll try not to give it away completely, for those of you who decide not to heed my warnings and watch it anyway.
This movie is your basic; guy wants to create a horrible situation that threatens society, that only he is able to save them from. It’s been done. OVER-done. Not to mention, that this movie really doesn’t give any reason for it, other than said baddie wanting to be rich. (Yeah, that’s it. I’m telling you, grade school stuff here.)
And, the bad guy is a nobody!
But, but…Shredder?
Yes, Shredder was in the movie, but he wasn’t anything more than a token. He contributed nothing to the plot, and really wasn’t even that cool; just some dude in a metal samurai suit with sword-hands. (Honestly, people were paid to sit in a room and think this stuff up)
Shredder was always this mysterious baddie, who was badass, smart and calculating. In this movie, he was nothing more than a placeholder, a punching-bag for the Turtles to beat up on.
They also fundamentally changed the story of the Turtles and their origins. Yeah, sure, Splinter is still their sensei and they’re still ninja’s, but the “how they became” is dumb. There is absolutely no way anyone (much less a rat—even a smart rat) can read one (1) book and become a martial arts master. Mutant turtles I can suspend belief for, not learning advanced sword play from a “Ninja for Dummies” book.
The CGI in this movie was, in a word, terrible. There wasn’t a time during this movie when I wasn’t telling myself, “Man, that’s a really horrible-looking turtle.” And when Splinter appeared, I laughed. A lot. That was the first time I contemplated just turning off the movie and calling it square. Well, the second time, the first time was the exposition during the beginning credits.
The people that write these things are professionals right? Doesn’t everyone know that exposition at the beginning of any movie is a no-no? Maybe it’s just me.
Okay, on to the plot. (And why I really hated this movie)
I’ll try not to give it away completely, for those of you who decide not to heed my warnings and watch it anyway.
This movie is your basic; guy wants to create a horrible situation that threatens society, that only he is able to save them from. It’s been done. OVER-done. Not to mention, that this movie really doesn’t give any reason for it, other than said baddie wanting to be rich. (Yeah, that’s it. I’m telling you, grade school stuff here.)
And, the bad guy is a nobody!
But, but…Shredder?
Yes, Shredder was in the movie, but he wasn’t anything more than a token. He contributed nothing to the plot, and really wasn’t even that cool; just some dude in a metal samurai suit with sword-hands. (Honestly, people were paid to sit in a room and think this stuff up)
Shredder was always this mysterious baddie, who was badass, smart and calculating. In this movie, he was nothing more than a placeholder, a punching-bag for the Turtles to beat up on.
They also fundamentally changed the story of the Turtles and their origins. Yeah, sure, Splinter is still their sensei and they’re still ninja’s, but the “how they became” is dumb. There is absolutely no way anyone (much less a rat—even a smart rat) can read one (1) book and become a martial arts master. Mutant turtles I can suspend belief for, not learning advanced sword play from a “Ninja for Dummies” book.
courtesy of www.teenagemutantninjaturtles.com
lens flares courtesy of J. J. Abrams, I mean www.teenagemutantninjaturtles.com (SPOILER ALERT)
Also, the movie expects you to believe only person concerned with discovering who is fighting against the Footclan, and that person (April) is also the same person who saved the Turtles from a fire when they were just little turtle babies. Oh, and she named them all. And her dad created the Ooze that created the Turtles. And her dad’s evil partner is the same one who is now threatening the city with destruction by unleashing a deadly toxin into the air and killing everyone. And the only cure for the toxin is found in the Turtles blood.
Can I just say, that they odds of just one of those things happening is astronomical, much less the entire movie. (Did I just give the plot away…damn it, that’s my bad.)
There was no character development what-so-ever, and the amount of exposition…well…they should have just handed out brochures: “Here’s what happened, why it happened and what’s going to happen,” enjoy the 20 minutes of pointless fight scenes.
Even the youthful joking and juvenile interactions between the Turtles seemed forced. They tried so hard to make them funny and witty but went overboard and completely missed the mark. Yeah, the original was goofy, it was supposed to be, the Turtles were goofy. The Turtles in this movie aren’t goofy, they’re just stupid
Also, the movie expects you to believe only person concerned with discovering who is fighting against the Footclan, and that person (April) is also the same person who saved the Turtles from a fire when they were just little turtle babies. Oh, and she named them all. And her dad created the Ooze that created the Turtles. And her dad’s evil partner is the same one who is now threatening the city with destruction by unleashing a deadly toxin into the air and killing everyone. And the only cure for the toxin is found in the Turtles blood.
Can I just say, that they odds of just one of those things happening is astronomical, much less the entire movie. (Did I just give the plot away…damn it, that’s my bad.)
There was no character development what-so-ever, and the amount of exposition…well…they should have just handed out brochures: “Here’s what happened, why it happened and what’s going to happen,” enjoy the 20 minutes of pointless fight scenes.
Even the youthful joking and juvenile interactions between the Turtles seemed forced. They tried so hard to make them funny and witty but went overboard and completely missed the mark. Yeah, the original was goofy, it was supposed to be, the Turtles were goofy. The Turtles in this movie aren’t goofy, they’re just stupid
I wanted so bad to like this movie and was really excited to see it up for early release on Amazon, now I just wish I could give it back.
There’s my thing, if you’re going to do a remake, go for it, make it your own, but don’t change the fundamentals of the story. Even then, if you’re going to change the story, give something to the characters, write a good story, make people care about the characters. Don’t just use them to sell your crappy, half-assed story you wrote to make a few dollars on the franchise name.
And for the love of Pete, if you’re going to use CGI for all of your main characters, spend the money to do it right. I know it can be done, I’ve seen Avatar about a hundred times.
I give Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) a whopping 1 out of 5. (And only because I had to give it something)
Don’t waste your time. Order a pizza and watch the original instead.
Cow-a-bunga, dude!
Josh
There’s my thing, if you’re going to do a remake, go for it, make it your own, but don’t change the fundamentals of the story. Even then, if you’re going to change the story, give something to the characters, write a good story, make people care about the characters. Don’t just use them to sell your crappy, half-assed story you wrote to make a few dollars on the franchise name.
And for the love of Pete, if you’re going to use CGI for all of your main characters, spend the money to do it right. I know it can be done, I’ve seen Avatar about a hundred times.
I give Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) a whopping 1 out of 5. (And only because I had to give it something)
Don’t waste your time. Order a pizza and watch the original instead.
Cow-a-bunga, dude!
Josh
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